green leaf.

Monday, July 16, 2007

A Much Needed Update

Ok ... this is long overdue. Chalk it up to being overly stressed and busy and not managing my time properly. Suffice to say that a lot has happened in the past two months. The good, the bad and ... the tragic. But I'm still here.

I think the thing that started the whole vicious cycle was my car accident in June. All that stress of not having my car, worrying about the repairs, meeting deadlines, fighting blooming traffic jams and driving around in my relative's car (which had its own issues) kind of took its toll on me. Imagine what all that surge of adrenaline and overpowering stress can do to a person. It wasn't enough that I was traumatised by the accident ... because three weeks ago I had an anxiety/panic attack.

Yes, if you must know, I really thought I was going to die. That made it my second brush with death. I actually thought my time was up when I crashed my car. Panick attacks feel like a heart attack. No kidding. My other thought was whether I could be having a stroke. I can recall the impending doom I felt wash over me ... while DRIVING no less. This is what happens when one over-worries, has poor time management and over-stresses about stuff. All me. Anyway, I managed to drive myself home in the middle of gasping for oxygen and praying that I wouldn't have another car crash. I could still remember how it felt as if someone was dimming the switch in my body ... (gonna blackout in 5, 4, 3, 2 .. 1). Got home and I thank the heavens my brother-in-law was there (despite all my home issues, really) to actually convince me it wasn't a heart attack. Palpitations, taking in too much oxygen and panicking ... not a good combination.

So, a visit to SJMC and a blood pressure, ECG and oxygen count test two hours later, I received the diagnosis. Panic attack because of stress. A prescription of Xanax and I was sent home. Crying buckets-full later actually helped in a way. Still felt like crap, not to mention tired. The doctor actually recommended I see a psychiatrist. Boy, that was new. Could just imagine lying on the leather sofa pouring my heart out to the doc holding a note pad. I call it post-traumatic stress. There, that saved me a bit of money from having to pay a shrink to come up with that conclusion, eh? Let's just say I was freaked out about traffic jams and stressed about being stressed.

I got my car back a few days after that. Something good at least. They had only spray painted the front part of my car. Now, the back part looks old and the front ... shiny and glossy! Shees..
So that was that. A bit of a morbid update, but still. Anyway, I'm better now if anyone should care. Feeling depressed was not good for me, although my trip back to Penang did me some good.

For whatever reason, this is my life. I think I deserve better, but what the hell, everyday I learn to accept the things I cannot change.

green leaf ;

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